By Aleksandra Brzezicka

Warning: Tom Stade’s show is not for children, the faint-hearted or easily insulted. Stay away for your own safety.

The man enters the room like a washed-up rock ‘n’ roll star would enter the hall of fame. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Stade. Let’s get on with this already.

Stade starts off with an announcement. He’s 50 this month, so he can finally get a grasp of what it means to be old. Obviously, he chooses the oldest-looking lad in the audience to bond with over the young stuff they can’t do anymore.  Like showing off your penis in a public restroom for a quick mates-involving STD check. Or during kids’ parties. You may even end up making toilet plans for your bum on the road instead of checking out chicks on the way. Highway to hell, indeed.

Well, at least you were brought up tough, not like the spoiled brats of the new generation.  “Violence makes you learn,” says Tom. The teachers didn’t beat the crap out of you so you’re plainly dumb, probably don’t even drive and don’t worry about bills. You’ll just make a joint out of them. Yes, Tom, that’s what we all do.

Despite all the drama and squeezing the f word in every other sentence, Stade’s show was very informative and took us on an exclusive tour to the toilets and a vending machine shopping haul. Women learnt that in the gents you can buy paracetamol, condoms and, for only three pounds, a vibrating cock ring. Then in the women’s you can get paracetamol (for when your gal need to fake a headache), tampons, vibrating bullets and tests to check if your drink has been spiked. For some reason, the last one caused a wave of indecent laughter. Hilarious. Tom Stade, what a lad you are.

He also made a homage, of a kind, to “the greatest paedophile in the world, Michael Jackson.” If you’re forced to do it with your uncle, it’s a crime; if it’s MJ you’d get a career out of it. How perceptive.

Stade walks a thin line of daring dark humour and bad bad taste. That’s the most exciting element to his show. You never know what’s gonna hit you – a penis pun or satire on fake news – or if he’ll just shout at you.

He poses as a comedian who poses as a schmuck to manipulate the masses into laughter, this time at the ornate Hansom Hall – or this “piece of s**t room.” He doesn’t care about opinions, hates people and loves to swear. And that’s his charm.