Columnist Joe Lubasa on the importance of community and brotherhood and how its helped shape his early adult years
Was it supposed to be this difficult navigating adulthood? Probably. Life was never going to be easy.
Did I know that it was going to be this turbulent? Certainly not.
Did I know that my early years of adulthood would be full of all these trials and tribulations? Ha! I had a plan of how life would look at 21 years old and one thing I can say is no matter how much you plan for the future, you can never be prepared for the curve balls that are gonna be thrown your way.
I’m writing this as a 24-year-old man in my university bedroom. And to put things into context, life hasn’t panned out the way I imagined it – not in the slightest.
It’s been a journey the last four years. I went from doing my undergrad course, to leaving after a year. I realised I couldn’t put myself through another two years of studying a course I quickly lost the passion for. I took two years away working full time to figure out my next steps, but I knew I wanted my degree.
Patience is key: a piece of advice many friends gave me while I figured out my next steps. I know my mum prayed seriously at that time too. Through all the avenues I explored, whether they were apprenticeships or a new brand-new career, all the roads eventually lead back to me being here in this bed, writing this column, being unapologetically me and quite vulnerable.
To be honest, I’m fine with that.
It was an adjustment coming back into this environment, I am now a bit older than my peers, so I would often think to myself “what do I need to do to fit back in?”
I was lucky enough that in my first year, I had the comfort of a few friends in their final years and my partner. But reality would soon kick in. That first year back would fly by, and sooner rather than later, I’d be a ‘lone wolf’.
Those friends are now gone and although I’ve made a few new friends here, it’s not the same to be quite honest.
I always feared that my relationships with my friends back home would suffer, but I’ve found this isn’t the case. And this is a topic amongst men that we don’t talk about enough.
Being vulnerable enough that we can have serious conversations like this.
About loneliness, mental health. Real-life conversations that hold substance other than when the next night out is going to be. As I type this, we are finalising the details of a group holiday.
Oh the irony.
I’ve seen friendships fade over time – heck, I’ve been on the receiving end of friendships dying out, but what’s meant to be will be.
I’ve come to learn that to maintain a good friendship, both sides need to put the effort in. I call them, they call me, everyone checks up on everyone.
Whenever I go home, I make sure to see them as often as possible so I never feel too far from home.
I always had the ‘perfect illusion’ of what my friendships would look like, and that was down to two words. social media.
It creates a perception of what life should look like. You become so obsessed with making sure that your life fits the same narratives as others that you lose sight of keeping your friendships authentic and true to yourselves.
It all becomes a competition of who can be the most adventurous on Tiktok when all you need to do is keep it simple and factor in everyone.
Me and my boys can enjoy a simple night in playing Monopoly and having a nice catch up about life.
I say ‘we’, but I don’t join in the game. Monopoly stresses me out too much.
