This feature contains descriptions of sexual abuse, which some readers may find distressing. The people mentioned have been given a false name to protect their identity.
Entering your first relationship is supposed to be fun and exciting, but for some, it can result in manipulation. Feature writer Jess Bourne spoke to Grace about her experience of being coerced into having sex when she wasn’t ready
It was a fun day out. Grace and her boyfriend, Jack, had just returned from a day out in Birmingham. They had done some shopping and played mini golf together. But instead of resting and looking back on the day, he only had one thing on his mind.
He wanted to have sex with her.
This wasn’t the first time the conversation had been brought up, but for Grace, she wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to take that next step with him.
For the entire evening, he pestered her, whispering sweet nothings to her and touching her – all without her consent.
It got to the point where Grace was fed up with his persistence and decided to agree to have sex. For Grace, it was now a chore, instead of a choice.
“It was at the point where I was like ‘I’ll just do it. I wasn’t ready, but I’ll just put up with it,’” Grace says.
But due to her endometriosis, it proved difficult for her to have sex with him. At first, he was okay with this and comforted her, but only five minutes later, Jack wanted to try again.
During that night, he got through a box of 18 condoms and every time it was unsuccessful.
“My body was rejecting him,” Grace says.
This is Grace’s story and her experience of being coerced into having sex during her first relationship.
Unfortunately, Grace isn’t alone in this. She joined the 9 per cent of people in the UK who have experienced sexual abuse from their partner.
Grace was never the sort of girl who had crushes, she was never interested in having a relationship during school.
But when she was 15, she became friends with Jack at school. As they started chatting more, Grace got confused about what was happening. He then asked Grace if they could be more than friends, to which she agreed.
But because of the start of the pandemic, it meant they couldn’t see each other for six months.
“Our relationship moved to just messaging on Instagram, sending photos. It was a bit weird. It was more of an online relationship in the sense that we were doing a distanced relationship, but he was actually just around the corner,” Grace says.
At the same time, Grace was undergoing endometriosis investigations. She was experiencing discomfort often and was put on the contraceptive pill to try to help with the pain, not for birth control purposes.
Then in mid 2021, things changed even more.
“He would go missing for days, in terms of he didn’t message me for days, and it would set my anxiety off by not knowing where he was,” Grace explains. “He knew that it would’ve caused me distress.”
After dealing with family issues at home, once he turned 18, he managed to move out and get his own place. However, no visitors were allowed in, which meant they could only meet outside.
She recalls a specific incident where they went on a walk to some woods. While they were out, he pushed her up against a tree and put his hand down her pants and started groping her. Grace ended up ignoring it, and it wasn’t the last time she would.
At the two-year mark is where the mental abuse started. They were frequently arguing, he was threatening to kill himself because of his low mental health and Grace shed a lot of tears.
“I was so focused on helping him that I forgot myself and my values. I was putting all my time and effort into him while also doing my A-Levels, which was stressful,” Grace says.
After applying to university and finishing her A-Levels, Grace wanted to make the most of her summer. They decided to go on holiday to Blackpool with Grace’s family. And again, Jack saw this as a perfect opportunity to have sex with her despite Grace expressing how she wasn’t ready or comfortable.
“The first night he tried to have sex, but I had a panic attack and couldn’t stop hyperventilating. My vision went blurred. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and he got very annoyed.”
He started to say things such as: ‘I’ve waited two years, I’ve waited long enough’ and ‘For God’s sake, just do it.’
“It’s normal for teenagers to lose their virginity… but it made me feel like something was wrong with me,” says Grace.
The following day, Grace got food poisoning from her dinner and was vomiting in the bathroom.
“I was expecting my boyfriend of two years to be comforting and help me, but he was just in the bedroom listening to me throwing up,” Grace says.
Once Grace finished in the bathroom, she went to the bedroom, tear-stained and pale. Jack invited her into bed, and instead of wanting to comfort her, he pulled the condoms out from the bedside table.
Again, he got very annoyed and angry and for the rest of the holiday and the trip home, the pair of them were quiet.
“But I stayed with him because it was my first relationship and I was convinced it was real and true, and this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.”
And as Grace was the only person in her friendship group to have a boyfriend, she couldn’t compare her experience and she didn’t want to talk to her family about it.
To continue the summer, they took a trip to Birmingham. Again, Grace paid for a hotel room and on the bus journey there, he put his hand on her thigh and said: ‘We can carry on with what we started in Blackpool.’
Once they got to the hotel, they put their bags down and Grace was getting ready to go out and enjoy the day, but he didn’t want to leave, he wanted to have sex with her.
He pushed her on the bed and started kissing her. Grace originally thought it was just a make out session, but gradually it started to turn into more. He started to undress himself and Grace, but Grace stood her ground and refused to do it there and then.
They enjoyed their day out together and once they got back to the hotel, he started pestering and touching her.
But because she was so fed up with his constant pressure, she gave in and did what he wanted.
“I wasn’t physically ready because of my endometriosis which causes painful sex, so I was pre-empting the pain that I was going to endure.
“The pain was unbearable. It genuinely felt like my body was getting torn apart and I was crying in pain, saying I can’t do this,” Grace explains.
At first, he was understanding. He was happy to stop and reassured her that everything was going to be okay, but not too soon after, he was pressuring Grace into trying again.
It was unsuccessful attempt after unsuccessful attempt. It was constant for Grace. And this is when the manipulation started.
“He said: ‘Do you not love me? Because it you loved me, it would work,’” Grace explains.
“My body just felt broken.”
The next morning, Grace started to experience heavy, painful bleeding and despite him knowing this, he actively made plans to ensure that they could try again that morning.
Grace just thought that she was tired from the night before, so let him try again, but once again, it didn’t work – which made him angry, but before she knew it, he would go back to acting like nothing had happened between the two of them.
“His behaviour was like a light switch. He would flick a switch and he’d be really horrible, but then straight after, he’d be completely normal and loving and caring,” Grace says, thinking back to how he treated her. “That’s what made me stay.”
After Birmingham, Grace noticed a change in his behaviour. He never wanted to go over to her house, he never wanted to go out with her or do anything. All he wanted from her was sex.
“I felt objectified. We did have some really good times, and I didn’t think he could turn into that, but clearly, I didn’t know the true him,” she recalls.
After living in the temporary accommodation, his work friend helped him to secure a flat and Grace helped him move in.
However, this flat now turned into his opportunity to pressure Grace for sex. He pushed her onto the bed and insisted that they tried again.
He was constantly giving her different options, which Grace saw as a green flag as she saw that as him being understanding, rather than him just being desperate.
But he started getting physically rough with her.
“I would wake up the next day with bruises on my hips from where he’d grabbed me. He would grip me tight so I couldn’t move and disrupt.
“Again, I thought it was normal. I didn’t know any different,” says Grace quietly.
She also noticed whenever they were unsuccessful, he would lie in bed and message his female co-worker, which made Grace assume he was cheating, but he always told her not to worry about her.
At this point, they were two and a half years into the relationship. Grace had moved away to university, and he decided to come and visit her for the day but because she was on her period and she didn’t want to have sex, he slept the whole time.
Grace also noticed the smell of weed on him, and he made the excuse that he uses it to relax and chill. He even said: ‘Maybe you should try it and then you can have sex with me,’ and that was when the relationship was effectively over.
When Grace did tell him that she no longer wanted to be in the relationship, he said: “Well, that’s fine because you couldn’t satisfy me anyway.”
She later found out that he got with his female co-worker she was told not to worry about – which just deepened her trust issues and worsened her emotional barriers.
After not talking to her parents about intimacy throughout the whole relationship, she finally opened up to them after the breakup. They both knew deep down that Grace had given him what he wanted in a desperate attempt to save the relationship.
“My mum cried, and my dad cried. And that made me realise it was wrong – the fact that my parents were crying about something that had happened to me,” Grace explains.
Grace lives with the trauma, and it has followed her, but thankfully her recent relationship was really understanding of what she had been through.
“That relationship made me truly realise how abusive my first relationship was,” Grace says. “My heart was leading and not my brain. I wanted the relationship to work, so I was willing to sacrifice everything, but my body was refusing.
“If I could take my younger self aside and speak to her, I would. It would have saved me from a lot of damage and a lot of scarring. But that’s not going to happen, it’s permanent.”
What to do after sexual abuse?
If you have been sexually abused, it’s important to remember that you are not to blame and you are not alone.
After a sexual abuse, you do not have to report it to the police if you don’t want to. But if you do want to report it, make sure to hold on to any evidence, such as clothes.
Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) offer medical, practical and emotional support to anyone who has been raped, sexually assaulted or abused. The centres have specially trained doctors, nurses and support workers to help you. Appointments are available to book online.
You can also get help from your GP, Rape Crisis, Women’s Aid, or you can call Rape Crisis England and Wales on 0808 500 2222.